How long does it take to let someone go?
I was looking through the newspaper today when I saw a full page advertisement for a new hearing aid. My first thought was how useful such a device would be for my friend Val. Then came the immediate realisation that Val’s gone. As I posted a few days back, he passed away last week.
I’m sure that there’ll be many more times that I’ll see something and think of talking about it with him. Those times will become more and more infrequent but I know they’ll continue for some time yet. I know that I won’t be seeing him again this side of eternity but it’s hard to change those patterns of thinking that have been built up over time.
There are still times that I see or hear something that I want to share with my father too. Dad passed away four years ago this Wednesday, just a few days before his 83rd birthday. Even though he’s been gone all that time I still experience thoughts that bring an instant response of wanting to share those moments with him. I want to tell him about things and even just pass the time of day with my dad. It’s not ususally big stuff, just everyday happenings. It can be a joke that I know he’d like or seeing a photo that he’d enjoy.
I’m not talking about grieving. The grieving has well and truly passed but I certainly still miss my dad. Those thoughts are just flashes. The entire thought process is over in a split second before I’m catapulted back into the real world, the world where my dad is no longer alive.
Of course I think about both of my parents a lot more often than just at those moments but they seem harder to handle because they reinforce the loss. They’re a reminder that there was, there is and there will continue to be moments that would be more meaniful if I could share them with those particular people that I love.
Mum died in February 1987 when I was 23. I still experience those moments of wanting to share life events with mum almost 20 years later but they’re far less frequent. So much has happened since mum passed away and there’s a world of things I would have loved to have shared with her.
What about you? Do you have those instants when you ‘forget’ for just half a second that someone you love has gone? Has time eased the ache for you?
Posted by Rodney Olsen
Technorati Tags: Death – Memories – Family
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I don’t know that I have those moments very much. Of course, as you (Rodney) know my dad died 4 years ago too (2 August). But I had only been living in Perth for less than a year so I was already in the habit of not sharing with him after 15 years away…
But this very morning, I held my nearly 2 year old son as we looked at the photos of family on the fridge.
“Who’s that?” I ask.
“Daddy”, comes the reply.
“And who’s that?” –
“Nana…” he says, of Mrs Smileys Mum.
“and…?”
“Nana’s boy…” A reference to himself.
But we point to a photo of my parents. He can identify ‘Arma’ but that’s Pop. “You’ve never met Pop.” Mrs Smiley says, while I maintain stoic silence. I hadn’t even thought of it again until I read your posting! The grieving is passed but then, maybe there’s still ‘something’. Not grief, not pain. Maybe ‘loss’. Maybe just memory. But I don’t mind it in small doses… it reminds me of my place in the continuum.
i still have moments like that about my dad who passed away when i was 18 (10 years ago).
a couple times i’ve even had dreams with him in it and when i wake up it takes a few moments before i realize it was a dream.
those moments do come less frequently with time.
i regularly have moments like that to do with my Grandma who died back in ’99! Very strange, she has been gone so long yet I will often see something and think “That’d be good for Grandma” only to remember she is long gone.
Yea, that happens to me all the time. I’ll be shopping and see something that I could buy my mom for Christmas, but she’s been gone 4 years now! I’m sorry for your losses.
My mom passed away in 1982. For me, the phrase “You never realize what you had till it’s gone” applies. But there have been times when I’ve dreamed of her and it brings back that specific “motherly love” feeling that I had for her alone.
Oh yes, I see things that my father would like to see or hear. Also when ever I see note cards with an ocean motif I think of one of my taxi customers. But, these moments give me a reason to think back on fond memories.
I think it’s nice that we feel that way. It means we still feel the person is with us at times, rather than put behind us, left in the past.
I am glad I´m not the only one to whom the rule “basicly you´re over it after two years” does not apply.
My father passed away four years ago of cancer. Luckily when I dream of him he always is healthy. It´s good I have him like that in my mind but would wish it hurts less thinking of him.