It could be happening right next door and we wouldn’t know. It’s the kind of thing that gets hidden and ignored but it can ruin so many lives.
Domestic violence isn’t just about physical abuse, it can include emotional abuse, controlling behaviours, lying, denying, blaming, coercion, threats and a lot more. I cringe when I hear the way some husbands and wives speak to each other or put each other down in front in public. It can be soul destroying when the very place you should receive nurture, the home, is turned into a battlefield. I’m thankful I’ve never experienced that kind of relationship but my heart sinks when I hear about what some people have lived through.
I speak to a range of regular guests on my morning radio programme on 98.5 Sonshine FM. On Tuesdays it’s clinical psychologist Genevieve Milnes M.App.Psych, MA (Couns), B.Ed, B.Div from the Belmont Counselling Clinic. We chat about a range of issues from birth order issues to personality types, depression, sexual abuse and a lot more. Today we started looking at the difficult issue of domestic violence.
During the segment we had a talkback caller named Suzie ring and tell us a little of her struggles. She grew up in a violent home before running away and marrying a man who continued the abuse. Now, many years later, she’s finally realising that it wasn’t her fault. What an incredible burden to carry all those years but I’m sure she’s not alone in feeling that way.
If you’d like to listen to what we discussed, while you continue to browse the internet, you can hear this morning’s segment by clicking here.
Posted by Rodney Olsen
Technorati Tags: Domestic Violence – Abuse – Radio – Sonshine FM
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Rodney,
I’ve listened to the segment from your show twice and even made notes. As I go down the list of ways that people abuse I can honestly say that I have experienced all of them. I am in a relationship that is filled with emotional abuse right now. All I can say about this relationship is that the abuse is not as severe as those of past husbands/partners. It is emotional abuse though. I endure only in knowing that I am slowly reaching a goal that will allow me to step out on my own. I’m speaking financially. In other words I have plans in motion. How I got into another relationship like this, I don’t know
I have been in 3 marriages and each of them was the same. Abusive, either physical, emotional, verbal, or combinations thereof. I’ve lived a pattern of jumping from one abusive relationship to another. After the last marriage ended in 1987 I spent 3 years by myself. In fact that’s the period of time that I was a truck driver. I stayed on the road, in my truck for 3 years. Those 3 years were very good for me though. I worked on my own self esteem, did things for myself, when and how I wanted, and was not responsible for or to anyone but my employer and in a minimal way to my daughters. (My daughters were grown by then).
I believe that an abusive relationship is very often a 2 sided illness. I’m speaking from my own point of view of course. I have been the abused; the husband/partner has always been the abuser. There is a reason that men become abusers and there is a reason that women become partners with abusers. I won’t go into that right now though.
The only point I would disagree with that Ms. Milnes listed from the article she read from S. America is that economics is a contributing factor. I am convinced that rich, poor, or anywhere in between; there are abusers. We just don’t hear so much of those in the upper income classes of society. Once in a while we do and everyone is astounded, but I think for the most part it is a well kept secret in those homes.
Suzie…Dear God I know exactly how she feels. I hope that she will find someone that she can be very open with about her experiences. You cannot hide this and get better, but I also think gradually we have to let go of garbage as we move on with our lives. Find the right balance for yourself.
Some of the tools I’ve used over the years:
1. Speak out loud to yourself. “I didn’t deserve that.” Speak it often, every day, every hour if you need to.
2. Speak out loud to yourself. “I am a good person, I am a child of God, and God loves me unconditionally.”
3. Make a list. Literally pick up your pen and write. Every day put one thing on your list that you like about yourself, that you do well, that you enjoy. List the wonderful qualities that you believe other people see in you, etc… Get the point? And make it a habit that when someone compliments you in any way, just say ?Thank You?. Never negate a compliment. Accept it.
4. Do at least one special thing for yourself every day. It doesn’t take money and it doesn’t take a lot of time. You know what you enjoy. A bubble bath, a piece of your favorite chocolate, give yourself a facial, a manicure, try a different lipstick color, buy an inexpensive pair of earrings, take an extra few minutes to slather on your favorite lotion, linger over you favorite tea or coffee, light a scented candle in your bedroom while you’re getting ready for bed, the list is endless… The point is, do it with purpose. Do it for yourself, for your own enjoyment, whatever it is.
Okay, I’m going to wrap this up, but I could go on for a long time.
3 books that I highly recommend:
1. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
2. Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer
3. Hinds Feet on High Places.
In that order.
Rodney, I’m sorry for taking so much space here. I get carried away on this subject. Blessings to you.
Please visit http://www.justiceforbarbara.com
This case will amaze you! Also, go to http://blog.justiceforbarbara.com
Be sure to read “the text from presentation”. I promise, this will send chills down your spine.
This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Any time someone has the courage to address it publicly I have the urge to applaud them.. So APPLAUSE to you Rodney.
Abuse looks like an octopus…it has many tentacles that have grown from the body. That would be my drawing of it.
Those of us who have experienced the clutches of the octopus suffer deeply for many years, and we find it extrenely difficult to make the changes necessary within ourselves to stop the pattern of enabling or attracting abusers.
I won’t go on and on, I’m going to listen to the segment you have linked. Kudo’s to you!
Thanks for the link, justice4barbara, I hope you are able to see true justice done.
Rita, I’d be interested in hearing your views after listening to the segment. Thanks for your courage and willingness to share a little of your experience.
It *was* happening right next door to me earlier this year. It seems to have quietened down lately, or at least when I’m around. There’s often a dilemma about what to do in these cases. If a person goes in there themselves to sort it out, they’re likely to aggravate the situation.
With police response times in this city averaging around two hours to reply to a complaint, that isn’t really an option either — by that stage it’s usually over, and it’s surprising just how often the victim in these cases refuses to file charges when given the opportunity to do so.
In the end I turned up some music really loudly, which seems to have made it clear to them that I was aware of what was going on, and that seems to have quietened them down a bit. I’d be interested to hear any better ideas.
Oh, I forgot. In response to Chris L….People do need to make abusers know that they see or hear them. I don’t advocate putting yourself in danger, but turning up your music was a way to make the abuser know that he was being heard. Any time I hear excessive or too loud fighting I do call the police. Eventually they do come and it does put the abuser on notice that someone is aware.