It hits me every time. It’s a sick feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. It’s a feeling that says, “This isn’t right. This is not how it was meant to be.”
With divorce rates so high it’s inevitable that I will continue to hear of friends who have split up but it still saddens me deeply when it happens. My heart goes out to both husband and wife and when kids are involved it churns me up even more. I can’t condemn anyone who takes the decision to end their marriage but I do feel a great sense of loss for them.
For some of those friends, I was there on the day they pledged their love and began what was meant to be a lifelong journey. How did it go so wrong?
It’s a situation that reminds me how privileged I am to be married to Pauline and how I should never take our relationship for granted.
I see now that the Federal Government is setting up counselling centres around the country and they will be insisting that couples seek counselling where children are involved in a marriage break up. I’m glad that they’re trying to do something to help families but are they really going the right way about it? I’m not sure.
I don’t think that many people take separation and divorce lightly. No one begins marriage with plans for a messy break up somewhere down the track.
The idea of counselling before divorce is a good one. Even with the best of intentions some people just don’t have the tools to work through issues and come out the other side. In that sense counselling could be a great advantage. If people can be equipped to deal with issues rather than taking the painful route of divorce it would be a better outcome all around.
Unfortunately for many people the hurts go too deep and they’ve gone too far down the track to turn around. So why aren’t we spending more time and effort in providing counselling before marriage? Instead of only bandaging up the wounded, why aren’t we putting effective relationship tools in the hands of couples before and during marriage?
There are some wonderful resources available for people considering a lifetime commitment. Starry eyes, heart palpitations and that initial sense of euphoria are wonderful but they’re not the things that will keep you together 20 or 30 years down the track. I would encourage anyone considering marriage to do their homework; lots of homework before the big day. And then I would encourage them to seek out resources that help along the journey.
I’m a long way from being the greatest husband in the world and I’m certainly no expert but I know that marriage is something that needs to be nurtured every day. I don’t always do that in the ways I should but it’s certainly something I’m striving towards.
We’ve only been married for just over 13 years but I’m still hoplessly and passionately in love with Pauline. It’s my strongest intention to stay that way as we grow old together and I will do whatever I can to ensure it happens. If you’re married or thinking of tieing the knot, I hope that that’ll be your dream and your experience too.
Posted by Rodney Olsen
Technorati Tags: Marriage – Divorce – Relationships
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Personally, I think most people just get married too early. I know for a fact that at 29 I am in no way ready for such a commitment, and not entirely sure that I ever will be.
There are just too many other things to experience in the world today, and for most people too many other goals. I tend to think that unless you can find someone who has similar desires from life, marriage is only going to feel like another constraint eventually.
I wanted to write and tell you my thoughts on divorce, but sitting in front of the key board for more than ten minutes with my mind going over and over what I could say, I’ve just given up, not knowing what to write.
Though I must disagree with Chris L. marriage is a gift, a most precious gift.
But as a christian man who after 21 years of marriage (make that, as a christian man who stuffed up his marriage over 21 years) I know the pain of loosing someone too precious for me to describe in words. I do know however, that nothing is too big for God, there is never too much pain, never too much ‘water under the bridge’.
This isn’t denial (whatever stage that is of the grief process) this is about fighting for what God intended a marriage to be. I have no answers or views on the government?s new initiative, but now I know that marriage is the essential three-some, how near to impossible is it without God as the centre of each person?s life and the centre of the marriage.
Good on you Rodney. It is a pleasure to read your well worded thoughts. I guess that the Federal Government’s Counselling Centers are the “ambulance ” at the bottom of the cliff – and the pre-marriage education courses that are available are the “guard rails” at the top.
I have the privilege as a pastor of working with couples who are preparing for marriage. Marriage Education as it called these days is both good fun and highly valuable. My wife & I work together using a tool called “Prepare” to hone in on a couple’s relationship strengths and growth areas. This is one of the most rewarding parts of my work. Sadly, some people put more thought into buying their car than into their relationships.
In counterpoint, Chris L., I would quote David Schnarch, Ph.D. in Passionate Marriage, page 49: “Is anybody really ready to get married? I doubt it. Nobody’s ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage.” This is a statement with which I firmly agree from personal experience. Same with having kids. You can’t be ready for a unique experience that completely changes your life. You can only grow with it when you’re in it.
I too would like to see more people getting educated about marriage, far prior to encountering the kinds of marital crises that prompt entry into counselling. And how would things change if more people knew that studies show that marital happiness can improve merely by remaining married, and that those who divorce do not end up any happier than those who stay married? (More details on that are in my blog today if anyone wants to look.)
Thanks for writing about marriage, Rodney. It’s important work.